I am a Teacher

I am a teacher. I was many other things before being a teacher.

I called myself daughter, sister, pet parent, performer, adult with ADD, food addict foodie.

None of these things ever make the list when describing myself these days. For the simple fact that I am a teacher.

However, there are things that do frequently make the list. They are; covered in tempera paint, rewriting curriculum (again), nurse, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, fighting paper maché fingers, frustrated, paranoid, exhausted.

I wish it was as simple as warning you not to look into the light (well, don't do that anyway, just to be safe). It’s one of the subjects they don’t squeeze into the 11,000 teacher exams you have to take. One of the questions is not:

When teaching ultimately takes over your life, you will eat dinner:

a) At the dinner table

b) On the couch

c) In bed, while watching Sex and The City and thinking about glamorous your life would have been if you had just gotten a degree in Business Administration

d) Always out, because teaching is lucrative

The answer is C, by the way. The answer is always C on a multiple choice.

While I did not get asked that question, I did get asked about how I would implement Hockey into my Phys. Ed curriculum. I looked cautiously over each shoulder just to make sure I hadn’t somehow ended up in Canada and was carelessly taking the Canadian teacher exam. This IS Washington State after all, and accidents happen.

After a quickly noting that the alphabet chart on the wall (these exams always happen at schools) did not include the letter ‘eh’ , I deduced that, nope, I was carelessly taking the Washington State exam, and had not studied hockey in my masters program. Why hadn’t I studied hockey?! That degree was clearly as useful as my Bachelor’s degree in Theatre. Which for those asking is – not at all. More to come on that later.

Either way, if it was a known fact that teaching would take over your life, I am certain it would have driven most of us away, shouting over our shoulders, “I always thought business administration sounded like promising degree. I hear the hours are good!”

You see, much like a cop, once you become a teacher, you are always on duty. Yet, unlike a cop, you do not get a gun. Instead, you get unlimited access to crayola crayons (not an endorsement, although I would willingly take it. I am a teacher, after all), which is almost the same, because I haven’t met a room of 7 year olds that hasn’t driven me to daydream of whittling little crayola shaped shivs.

There are a lot of expectations put on you when you are a teacher. For example, I should never have mentioned daydreaming about shivs just now. Also, you get sideways glances when you use the F word in good company. But trust me when I tell you that you are better off using the F word than you are admitting that you never learned your times tables. Bonus points for stating point blank,

“You know, I never learned my fucking times tables. And I turned out just fine.”

Even if you do only teach 1^st grade and it’s not in the curriculum.

There are a lot of things you don’t expect when becoming a teacher. I find base-10 blocks in my laundry, and mashed up pastels in my pocket. I start a jar at the beginning of the year that I empty my pockets into every night. We call this game ‘What’s in Ms. Christina's’ pockets?’ and try to guess before I unload. Only once have I found a body part, and it was only a tooth, so don’t get excited. One time I found an entire village of lego-guys in my bra.

I poured myself a big-girl glass of wine that night.

So while combating 7 year olds with crayolas and eating dinner in bed most nights wasn’t necessarily my dream job, it slowly grew on me. And next thing I knew, I.was.a.teacher.

Now, not only am I battling those 7 year olds, but I am completely and unconditionally in love with them.

Shit.

There go all my quiet dreams where all I do is data entry and answer phones.

So, all I have to offer you is a collection of short stories written through my first 2 years of this maddening journey. You’ll notice that when I say ‘short’ I mean short. That’s because I am spending most of my time cutting out shapes for tomorrow’s lesson on geometry, re-writing IEP’s and trying to make sense of 1^st grade writing assignments. Plus, I am mostly incapable of communicating in long form. Because, have you ever tried to give directions to a first grader? You might just have to trust me on this one.

Also, I have ADD. So there’s that.

What was I saying?

I don’t know.

But I guess here is where I put the disclaimer that I swear, I drink and sometimes I dance. If you are not prepared to see your first grade teacher in that light, perhaps you should grab a drink of your own. It helps.